Spin Dry

I ran across this bit of drivel online and felt compelled to respond; I quote the entire article below, with my responses in RED

14) The humor and irony of hundreds of thousands of post-menopausal lesbians (who can't get pregnant) marching through the streets of Washington D.C. and demanding abortion rights (which they already have) goes completely over your head.

Not exactly, bobo. Now, granted, I've never actually seen a pro-choice march in Washington in person. But I have seen lesbians marching, and they tend to focus on things like women's rights -- and not having them eroded by fascism. So they tend to include pro-choice in their agenda, along with rooting for the ERA, etc. The fact that some of the women protesting happen to have passed menopause is meaningless. They were most likely of baby-making age when they started being activists. Let me ask you this -- if you had both arms blown off, would it then be ironic if you marched in a pro-NRA rally? After all, it'd be pretty hard for you to shoot that gun off if you had it...

13) You're unable to grasp the global war on terrorism unless Michael Moore boils it down and spoon feeds it to you as "America is killing brown people," after which you conclude that America is evil.

No, "America is killing brown people" is the terrorism that got us into this mess in the first place. And, actually, I tend to find most liberals very engaged in politics and well informed. We don't need Michael Moore to spoon feed us. We're out there at the trough of information ourselves. Incidentally, to the British, the founding fathers and patriots who created this nation were nothing but terrorists. And if by "grasp the global war on terrorism," you mean mindlessly support any ill-advised invasion of a country that had nothing to do with 9/11 or automatically chant "my country, right or wrong" while waving a flag out my ass, then, yeah, I guess you're right. Liberals will never grasp that. We can only grasp the concept that we should love our country, even when its leaders are total fuck-ups.

12) You openly cheer for America to lose the war in Iraq, you make all sorts of excuses for why we were attacked on 9/11, and you call Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld "The Real Axis of Evil," but feign shock when someone calls your "patriotism" into question.

Yeah, got me there -- Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld (and Ashcroft) are the Real Axis of Evil. But see above on loving the country and hating the leaders. Hey, did you asshats still love America when you were calling Bill Clinton every name in the book? As for Iraq, we aren't rooting for the US to lose, we were rooting for us to never go there in the first place. Having failed that, we're rooting for sanity to prevail and the government to get us the hell out. And you're forgetting that it was damn near impossible to find a liberal who did not support the invasion of Afghanistan. Kind of ironic, considering that the Administration just let that little war go, even though it was the action aimed at getting the actual terrorists. As for making excuses for 9/11 -- you've got the wrong word. We look for explanations, and "Muslims are evil" is not acceptable. I could explain the causes for it to you, but I'd have to take you back to the 9th century to start the history lesson, and I doubt you have the attention span. Of course, remember, we still have no proof whatsoever to show who the perpetrators of 9/11 were, despite vague soundbites and a bunch of photos released by the FBI the next day. We probably never will. But 9/11 should not be a catch-all excuse for destroying the freedom that W claims foreigners hate so much, and which is America's greatest asset.

As for that shock when someone calls my patriotism into question: it ain't feigned. And it ain't shock. It's anger that someone could have the balls to question my patriotism.

11) You adopt the most superficial aspects of Asian culture (green tea, feng shui, and the whole "zen" thing), but mock the pillars of Asian society which make them so successful (hard work, delayed gratification, a strong family unit, and a sense of honor).

Actually, I don't embrace any of that mystic Asian bullshit, nor do most liberals I know, so this point doesn't even pertain. I look at it this way: if feng shui is so damn great, why is China so damn screwed up?

10) You cringed when you saw the photos of the Iraqi prisoners being "tortured" by having to stand naked and wear a bag over their heads, but you didn't bat an eye when the Americans were being dragged through the streets of Fallujah.

Yeah, I'll give you this one, bobo, but you're forgetting two things. First, we never saw the Americans being dragged through the streets. Those images were too "graphic," so we only got descriptions. And, anyway, those events occured before the Abu Ghraib photos came out. Second, those events actually occured as a reaction to Abu Ghraib and other abuses; we just didn't know that at the time. And yes, I cringed at the photos of torture -- and don't you dare put that in quotes, asshat. It was torture, and if you don't think so, then please march your ass down to your closest prison and volunteer to undergo a little naked interrogation. As for the people killed in Fallujah, don't be naive. They weren't innocent American citizens. They were Halliburton contractors -- just like the interrogators at Abu Ghraib. In other words, mercenaries. And mercenaries are the lowest form of life in a war zone.

9) You blame America's over-reliance on foreign oil as the prime source of money for terrorism, but if a solar-powered car were invented tomorrow (reducing our dependence on foreign oil to zero), you would then say that it's America's fault that the Arab world is poor (and would start making excuses for future terrorist attacks based upon that premise).

This, ladies and gentlemen, is called a Straw Man, and isn't even worth answering. Actually, if a solar-powered car were invented tomorrow, I'd say it was the best way to finally get America out of the Middle East's hair and help settle down the problems. And it isn't just dependence on foreign oil that pays for terrorism. It's also the "War on (Some) Drugs." If drugs were legal and sold by our government at or near cost, there'd be no profit in them; ergo, no drug money for the various terrorist groups that thrive on it. But that solution would just be "immoral" to you, wouldn't it? Even though it would save more lives than would be lost. And let me put thoughts into your head now: it wouldn't matter if junkies died, because you think they're scum, so why not let them OD, just so the terrorists can't finance their adventures anymore?

8) You were certain that Kucinich, Dean, and Clark were in the "majority," because the things they said fit in with your limited worldview.

No, I was certain they were in the majority because their party won the last election with a majority of the popular vote, and their party is leading in the polls now. And, by definition, it's the conservative worldview that's limited, not the liberal.

7) You decry jobs going overseas, but you wear Nikes, drive a Volvo, and shop at Wal-Mart.

Damn right I decry jobs going overseas. Which is why I buy American. Except for electronics, because the Japanese make 'em good -- but Japan stole our jobs through their own ingenuity, not through capitalist greed that will seek the cheapest production method at the cost of their fellow citizens. I drive an American car, wear American clothes and wouldn't be caught dead in Wal-Mart.

Addendum: I just checked, and actually, only my DVD player is Japanese. The rest -- the computers, printers, TV, stereo, etc, are American. Gosh. Who knew?

6) You call conservatives "hateful and mean-spirited," then follow up by telling your friends a few "Reagan has Altzheimers" jokes.

Well, conservatives are hateful and mean-spirited, but I haven't told any Reagan/Alzheimer's jokes in a good decade. Why would I have to? Far too many able-bodied Republicans have provided ample comedic opportunity. And is it cruel to make fun of W for being unable to pronounce "Abu Ghraib," or to keep from falling off his bicycle? But answer me this: why is it that when Democrats do something Republicans have done for a decade it's evil and partisan, whereas when Republicans do it it's... well, I'm convinced most Republicans have Alzheimers because they don't seem to remember their own bad behavior.

Although, you have to admit that it is poetic justice that Reagan has lost his [ahemn] razor-sharp mind. May St. Reagan live to be a hundred and fifty, and may Nancy live one day longer.

5) You profess to hate capitalism, but jump at the chance when someone hits you up to join their get-rich-quick scheme.

If by get-rich-quick scheme, you mean multi-level marketing, give me a break. I don't jump at the chance to join those schemes. That's something the poor white trash in red states does. And I don't hate capitalism, I hate capitalists. There's a balance between profit and compassion. If you want to see how it works, take a look at Ben & Jerry's business plan. They're rich, but they're not evil. Unfortunately, far too many capitalist barons are rich and evil. And that's what I hate.

4) You think John Kerry deserves to be president based solely on his questionable record as a "war hero," but balked at such an idea in 92 and 96, when two genuine war heroes ran against an admitted draft-dodging POS named Clinton.

You mean the draft-dodging POS who gave us eight years of peace and prosperity? And be careful of your qualifiers. When you say "solely," you destroy your argument. Point of fact is, Kerry's war record is about the last thing I considered in deciding to vote for him. But it's nice to know he has one, seeing as how he's going to inherit a moron's war. And funny how you managed to avoid mentioning in any way W's going AWOL from the Air National Guard. I do believe that's a crime, you know.

3) You admire Japanese ex-hostage Nahoko Takato as a "great humanitarian" because she helped a handful of Iraqi children and has dedicated herself to getting the Japanese troops out of Iraq (even though the Japanese troops have helped Iraqis by the tens of thousands by repairing water purification equipment and are there in a "non-combat" humanitarian role).

Hm. Could this be why the Iraqis still don't have clean water or electricity? And I have to admit I have no idea who Nahoko Takato is, so I can't applaud her as an humanitarian. I've been too busy worrying about the mess that America is in in Iraq to notice what Japan is or is not doing. Then again, I've been paying such close attention to Iraq that I'm surprised I don't know who she is, which makes me suspect your "Japan has fixed everything and life is wonderful in Tikrit" business is just another Republican lie.

2) You're convinced that AIDS would be wiped out if we could just find a way to remove the negative social stigma attached to it.

No, I'm convinced that AIDS would be wiped out if we spent money on honest sex education and medical research. Along with removing the negative social stigma attached to it. And why the hell not remove the stigma? It's just a disease, and a virus has no morals. Or do you want to tell all the hemophiliac kids who contracted it that they're sinners? Once upon a time, there was a great social stigma on cancer. Consequently, people wouldn't get checked for it and wouldn't know they had it until it was time to put their affairs in order and die. When the attitude changed, the survival rate improved enormously. Same thing with AIDS -- in places where people know what causes it, aren't afraid to talk about it and know what precautions to take, the infection rates have gone down and the survival rates have gone up.

1) You are furious at Bush for dropping the ball and "allowing" 9/11 to happen by not using all of the law-enforcement tools in his arsenal (such as profiling and databases), even though you're doing everything in your power to block Attorney General John Ashcroft from using the same law-enforcement tools to prevent a FUTURE 9/11.

Well, yeah, but you shoot your own argument in the foot, because Bush didn't have a Patriot Act before 9/11, and yet our government apparently knew enough to suspect a big attack involving airplanes as missiles was coming. I'm furious that the air force wasn't scrambled the instant the first plane hit the first Tower. I'm furious that W kept on reading to school kids for a good, long time after he was told of the attacks. I'm furious that, even after this terrorist act, Asscroft was more concerned with naked statues, or with busting people who make porn or sell glass pipes online. And I'm furious that a lot of people are so stupid to think that giving more Big Brother powers to the government will make us more secure. Wrong -- viz the wrongful arrest of a lawyer in Oregon for the Madrid train bombings. Our government had all the tools they needed before 9/11 to stop 9/11. Those are what they need to use, unless of course they have a political stake in letting another 9/11 happen.

And so on. The above was yet another example of facetious rightwing arguments that self-destruct upon examination, and which rather tend to disprove their own points. I could go through and describe every fallacious rhetorical device used in them, but I think I've exposed myself to their brand of illogic for long enough. Still, a good object lesson for confronting any of the (shrinking) minority of bozos who still subscribe to these arguments. Just as their Fearless Leader does, their words are their own best evidence of how very, very wrong they are.

[NOTE: I'm not absolutely sure the cooperforpresident site isn't itself a bit of parody, a reductio ad absurdum take on right-wing beliefs. Judge for yourself, starting here.]