Sunday, August 08, 2004
Cabinet Making
Just for shits and giggles, I came up with my fantasy cabinet (and a few other select positions), should Kerry/Edwards win in November. I really hate having to say "should." My gut feeling is "when". But, nonetheless, here's my list. It may seem off the wall at first glance, but it's not as odd as it seems...
And Fantasy Cabinet wouldn't be a bad internet game at all. Kind of like Hollywood Stock Exchange or all those fantasy league games, but it might get the kids interested in politics. Here's the list.
Secretary of State: Bill Clinton. He has the gravitas, the intelligence and the respect of the world. After all, he's the man who almost brokered a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine. Unlike a certain current occupant of the White House, the world loves him -- and thanks to Ken Starr, he's already been fully vetted, to the tune of a $65+ million investigation, and they didn't find shit. So, in other words, he's clean.
Attorney General: Ralph Nader. He's an arrogant, self-centered little prick, but at least he's our arrogant, self-centered little prick. After four years of a Nazi Autocrat Religious Whako who thinks arresting people who smoke flowers is more important than actually doing something about corporate crime or terrorism, I think unleashing Nader on all the companies that have been screwing the little people would be poetic justice. And you know he'd go after the big companies and the big name CEO's, because he's just like that -- a spotlight whore, true, but let's put it to good use.
Secretary of Defense: General Wesley Clark, sir. I don't think I have to provide any explanation or defense of that. Wes da man for this job, period. And unlike Donald Rumsfeld, he won't pass the buck or shovel bullshit when the going gets tough. (Speaking of which, hasn't Rummy been strangely invisible since the Abu Ghraib scandal broke? Hm...)
Secretary of Agriculture: Dan Bane. Dan who? I hear you say. Well, he's the CEO of Trader Joe's. If you don't know TJ, you should. It's a chain of grocery stores that provides high quality food at low prices, and the best customer service on the planet. I rediscovered them during LA's grocery strike, and haven't gone back. A former Ralph's customer, I'd spend ninety bucks a week (after alleged "Club Card" discounts) and walk out with a cartload of crap; Trader Joe's being, alas, non-union, but paying their employees more and giving them better benefits, I found a store where I could spend forty or fifty bucks every ten days, no bullshit discounts, and walk out the door with a cartload of good food. Anyone who can run that company can keep the American food chain humming, and make it better, cheaper, faster.
Secretary of Commerce: Melissa Gilbert. Whoa... that chick from that cheesy 70's TV show? Yeah, her. Because she's president of the Screen Actors Guild, a position that entails being able to negotiate the balls off of a group of seven very well-financed and well-lawyered studios. (Alternate to this position is Patty Duke Astin, also a former SAG President, although also an admitted manic-depressive, so she probably wouldn't pass the psychological vetting, especially since her condition has been very public.) And for you rightwing naysayers who don't think being SAG president is worth a hill of beans... Ronald Fucking Reagan, biatches. (Although he was a Democrat at the time, so choke on it.)
Secretary of Labor: John Sweeney, president of the AFL/CIO. Hey, shouldn't the Secretary of Labor come from labor, and not management? Sweeney may be an old white guy, but he's fighting for the rank and file.
Secretary of Education: Carol Moseley Braun. Hell, Ms. Braun deserves sainthood, seeing as how she was one of the members of the Black Congressional Caucus who had the cojones to stand up in November 2000 and yell "Shenanigans!" over the fradulent election results in Florida. And I bet she could make the "No Child Left Behind" program actually leave no children behind, as opposed to the charade it is now. In case you haven't been paying attention, the BushCo version of NCLB is, "You can't leave no kids behind, but we ain't paying for it." Horseshit. Three cruise missiles less for the army would fund the program for four years.
Secretary of Energy: Al Gore. Four words, kids: "No more oil dependence." And if anyone can pull that off, Al can. (Side note: your humble blogger's suggestion for breaking the petrochemical monopoly. The government makes this offer: the first company that creates and markets a vehicle that a) runs on renewable resources only; b) meets safety, size and highway speed requirements of traditional gas vehicles; and c) is available to the consumer at prices comparable to current economy cars, will receive the following: no corporate taxes, and no need to even file, for ten years; no personal income taxes and no need to file for all employees of the company and all its divisions as of the award date for five years; no state income taxes for the company or employees in the corporate HQ state in perpetuity. Make that offer, and gas stations would be out of business in two years.)
Secretary of Transportation: Willie Brown. Two words: San Francisco. True, he had nothing to do with setting up the wonderful and eclectic public transportation system there, but this is one brother who deserves the props, and I bet he could really do well in this position.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Hilary Clinton. Again, you have to ask? She's as bullet-proof, scandal wise, as her husband. And universal health care was her pet issue, killed only because the Democratic Congress of 1994 were such goddamn pussies. ("Bend over," the Republicans yelled, and they replied, "How far?") Ted Kennedy, of course, should be her deputy secretary, and their first mission should be political castrating the pharmaceutical and HMO industries. Y'all wanna do business in the country? Then you're going to favor the patients, or you're going to shut down. Period.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Duncan Black. Who? Well, if you're blog-savvy, you know who. If not -- check out his blog, where his nom de net is Atios. A good stratigist, with well thought-out opinions and insightful commentary. And not likely to pull the booga booga bullshit that Tom Ridge has been doing ever since the first Code Orange.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: John McCain. Because he was there, and he won't screw the vets the way BushCo has.
Secretary of HUD: Al Sharpton. Again, a no-brainer. Hey -- the white media industry has made "urban" a code word for "black." The Rev. is the one to be doing that urban development, Q.E.D.
Non-cabinet positions:
Chairman, FCC: Howard Dean. Sweet justice. I think his campaign was destroyed by the media the second he suggested the return of massive regulation. Nothing would be finer than watching him slice the corporate mega media conglomerates up into tiny little pieces, while screaming "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!"
Head of NASA: Dick Rutan. Cheaper, faster, better. Hell, I bet he could send a manned mission to Mars for under a billion dollars and in less than three years.
Ambassador to the UN: Jimmy Carter. If you have to question this one, you're really not paying any attention.
Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: Margaret H. Marshall, current Chief Justice of the Massachusetts Supreme Court, author of the opinion legalizing same sex marriages in that state. In other words, a judge who actually uses the law, instead of politics, to make a ruling.
Head of the INS: Arianna Huffington. A successful immigrant, in charge of policing immigrants -- although my personal bias is that borders are stupid. And any American who bitches about immigrants has no right to do so, unless they grew up speaking Navajo or the like.
Head of the DEA: Dennis Kucinich -- because the first thing he'll do is stop chasing after people who smoke pot. And I'd love to see him make Tommy Chong his deputy.
Senate (Majority/Minority) Leader, although with any luck it'll be the former, Barack Obama. Okay, I know it's unconventional because he'd be a freshman senator, but what the hell. The sheer power and charisma he showed in his convention speech proved one thing. This man is a leader, and he wouldn't take shit from anyone. Give him the big chair, and the Democratic Party would never be on the defensive.
So, those are my recommendations. I'd take the slot as head of the NEA myself, as long as I could convince General Clark and the Senate to spend money on arts and books instead of bombs. If you have other ideas, put 'em in the comments.
And Fantasy Cabinet wouldn't be a bad internet game at all. Kind of like Hollywood Stock Exchange or all those fantasy league games, but it might get the kids interested in politics. Here's the list.
Secretary of State: Bill Clinton. He has the gravitas, the intelligence and the respect of the world. After all, he's the man who almost brokered a peace treaty between Israel and Palestine. Unlike a certain current occupant of the White House, the world loves him -- and thanks to Ken Starr, he's already been fully vetted, to the tune of a $65+ million investigation, and they didn't find shit. So, in other words, he's clean.
Attorney General: Ralph Nader. He's an arrogant, self-centered little prick, but at least he's our arrogant, self-centered little prick. After four years of a Nazi Autocrat Religious Whako who thinks arresting people who smoke flowers is more important than actually doing something about corporate crime or terrorism, I think unleashing Nader on all the companies that have been screwing the little people would be poetic justice. And you know he'd go after the big companies and the big name CEO's, because he's just like that -- a spotlight whore, true, but let's put it to good use.
Secretary of Defense: General Wesley Clark, sir. I don't think I have to provide any explanation or defense of that. Wes da man for this job, period. And unlike Donald Rumsfeld, he won't pass the buck or shovel bullshit when the going gets tough. (Speaking of which, hasn't Rummy been strangely invisible since the Abu Ghraib scandal broke? Hm...)
Secretary of Agriculture: Dan Bane. Dan who? I hear you say. Well, he's the CEO of Trader Joe's. If you don't know TJ, you should. It's a chain of grocery stores that provides high quality food at low prices, and the best customer service on the planet. I rediscovered them during LA's grocery strike, and haven't gone back. A former Ralph's customer, I'd spend ninety bucks a week (after alleged "Club Card" discounts) and walk out with a cartload of crap; Trader Joe's being, alas, non-union, but paying their employees more and giving them better benefits, I found a store where I could spend forty or fifty bucks every ten days, no bullshit discounts, and walk out the door with a cartload of good food. Anyone who can run that company can keep the American food chain humming, and make it better, cheaper, faster.
Secretary of Commerce: Melissa Gilbert. Whoa... that chick from that cheesy 70's TV show? Yeah, her. Because she's president of the Screen Actors Guild, a position that entails being able to negotiate the balls off of a group of seven very well-financed and well-lawyered studios. (Alternate to this position is Patty Duke Astin, also a former SAG President, although also an admitted manic-depressive, so she probably wouldn't pass the psychological vetting, especially since her condition has been very public.) And for you rightwing naysayers who don't think being SAG president is worth a hill of beans... Ronald Fucking Reagan, biatches. (Although he was a Democrat at the time, so choke on it.)
Secretary of Labor: John Sweeney, president of the AFL/CIO. Hey, shouldn't the Secretary of Labor come from labor, and not management? Sweeney may be an old white guy, but he's fighting for the rank and file.
Secretary of Education: Carol Moseley Braun. Hell, Ms. Braun deserves sainthood, seeing as how she was one of the members of the Black Congressional Caucus who had the cojones to stand up in November 2000 and yell "Shenanigans!" over the fradulent election results in Florida. And I bet she could make the "No Child Left Behind" program actually leave no children behind, as opposed to the charade it is now. In case you haven't been paying attention, the BushCo version of NCLB is, "You can't leave no kids behind, but we ain't paying for it." Horseshit. Three cruise missiles less for the army would fund the program for four years.
Secretary of Energy: Al Gore. Four words, kids: "No more oil dependence." And if anyone can pull that off, Al can. (Side note: your humble blogger's suggestion for breaking the petrochemical monopoly. The government makes this offer: the first company that creates and markets a vehicle that a) runs on renewable resources only; b) meets safety, size and highway speed requirements of traditional gas vehicles; and c) is available to the consumer at prices comparable to current economy cars, will receive the following: no corporate taxes, and no need to even file, for ten years; no personal income taxes and no need to file for all employees of the company and all its divisions as of the award date for five years; no state income taxes for the company or employees in the corporate HQ state in perpetuity. Make that offer, and gas stations would be out of business in two years.)
Secretary of Transportation: Willie Brown. Two words: San Francisco. True, he had nothing to do with setting up the wonderful and eclectic public transportation system there, but this is one brother who deserves the props, and I bet he could really do well in this position.
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Hilary Clinton. Again, you have to ask? She's as bullet-proof, scandal wise, as her husband. And universal health care was her pet issue, killed only because the Democratic Congress of 1994 were such goddamn pussies. ("Bend over," the Republicans yelled, and they replied, "How far?") Ted Kennedy, of course, should be her deputy secretary, and their first mission should be political castrating the pharmaceutical and HMO industries. Y'all wanna do business in the country? Then you're going to favor the patients, or you're going to shut down. Period.
Secretary of Homeland Security: Duncan Black. Who? Well, if you're blog-savvy, you know who. If not -- check out his blog, where his nom de net is Atios. A good stratigist, with well thought-out opinions and insightful commentary. And not likely to pull the booga booga bullshit that Tom Ridge has been doing ever since the first Code Orange.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: John McCain. Because he was there, and he won't screw the vets the way BushCo has.
Secretary of HUD: Al Sharpton. Again, a no-brainer. Hey -- the white media industry has made "urban" a code word for "black." The Rev. is the one to be doing that urban development, Q.E.D.
Non-cabinet positions:
Chairman, FCC: Howard Dean. Sweet justice. I think his campaign was destroyed by the media the second he suggested the return of massive regulation. Nothing would be finer than watching him slice the corporate mega media conglomerates up into tiny little pieces, while screaming "YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARGH!"
Head of NASA: Dick Rutan. Cheaper, faster, better. Hell, I bet he could send a manned mission to Mars for under a billion dollars and in less than three years.
Ambassador to the UN: Jimmy Carter. If you have to question this one, you're really not paying any attention.
Chief Justice of the Supreme Court: Margaret H. Marshall, current Chief Justice of the Massachusetts Supreme Court, author of the opinion legalizing same sex marriages in that state. In other words, a judge who actually uses the law, instead of politics, to make a ruling.
Head of the INS: Arianna Huffington. A successful immigrant, in charge of policing immigrants -- although my personal bias is that borders are stupid. And any American who bitches about immigrants has no right to do so, unless they grew up speaking Navajo or the like.
Head of the DEA: Dennis Kucinich -- because the first thing he'll do is stop chasing after people who smoke pot. And I'd love to see him make Tommy Chong his deputy.
Senate (Majority/Minority) Leader, although with any luck it'll be the former, Barack Obama. Okay, I know it's unconventional because he'd be a freshman senator, but what the hell. The sheer power and charisma he showed in his convention speech proved one thing. This man is a leader, and he wouldn't take shit from anyone. Give him the big chair, and the Democratic Party would never be on the defensive.
So, those are my recommendations. I'd take the slot as head of the NEA myself, as long as I could convince General Clark and the Senate to spend money on arts and books instead of bombs. If you have other ideas, put 'em in the comments.
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