Spin Dry

A friend sent this to me, under the title of "Bush's al Cheit". An al Cheit is one of the two forms of prayers for atonement that devout Jews recite on Yom Kippur. Personally, I don't think that a single day of atonement is enough for Bush. It'd take him at least a year to recite his sins. But, since he's such a god-luvin' guy, maybe he'll want to take this to heart and actually learn it, love it, live it. Or not. Because, as is obvious, W really only pays lipservice to the tenets of Christianity. And if Jesus came back tomorrow, W would be number one on the Bitchslap List, followed closely by Dick Cheney, Pat Robertson and every elected official in Indiana.

But, without further adieu, here is W's al Cheit...

High Holy Days Confessional by George W. Bush

For the sin I have committed before you by promising to be a compassionate conservative, but showing no compassion.

For the sin I have committed before you by waging an unjust war in Iraq in the false name of fighting terrorism.

For the sin I have committed before you by waging a political campaign built on fear, not hope.

For the sin I have committed before you by cynically exploiting the horrors of 9/11 for political gain.

For the sin I have committed before you by ignoring the plight of the poorest and weakest among our citizens.

For the sin I have committed before you by the unnecessary deaths of 2,000 young Americans, the injuries to thousands more, and the deaths and injuries to untold numbers of Iraqis.

For the sin I have committed before you by lying about my record of service in the National Guard.

For these sins, oh forgiving God, forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.

For the sin I have committed before you by dividing rather than uniting our people.

For the sin I have committed before you by ignoring the loss of over one million jobs in the U.S.

For the sin I have committed before you by doing nothing to provide health insurance to millions of Americans, and to stem rapidly rising prescription medicine and other health care costs.

For the sin I have committed before you by systematically weakening environmental and pollution regulations, thereby endangering public health and destroying precious wilderness resources.

For the sin I have committed before you by promising to leave no child behind, and then failing to adequately fund educational programs.

For the sin I have committed before you by allowing the assault weapons ban to die, allowing these grotesque weapons to return to our streets.

For the sin I have committed before you by bearing false witness about the reasons for going to war in Iraq.

For the sin I have committed before you by perpetuating the falsehood that increasing homeland security requires a weakening of civil rights.

For the sin I have committed before you by imposing a veil of secrecy on government decision making processes.

For these sins, oh forgiving God, forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.

For the sin I have committed before you by allowing the ends to justify any means.

For the sin I have committed before you by lowering taxes for only the very wealthiest Americans, enriching the few at the expense of the many.

For the sin I have committed before you by running a cynical and destructive presidential campaign, designed to destroy rather than just defeat my opponent.

For the sin I have committed before you by fighting a war in Iraq to divert attention from failures in the just war on terrorists, and from failing to act against the looming nuclear threat from Iran and North Korea.

For the sin I have committed before you by failing to make any progress in achieving a just peace between Israel and the Arabs.

For the sin I have committed before you by turning a massive government surplus into a massive deficit in less than four years, thereby burdening future generations with untold debt.

For the sin I have committed before you by unnecessarily damaging relations with American friends and allies throughout the world.

For these sins, oh forgiving God, forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.

For the sin I have committed before you by promoting a personal ideology rather than the interests of the people.

For the sin I have committed before you by arrogance and swagger, speaking with a forked tongue, and for the haughty exercise of power.

For the sin I have committed before you by appointing arch-conservative judges to the federal judiciary.

For the sin I have committed before you by irresponsibly damaging the reputation of the United States throughout the world.

For the sin I have committed before you by enriching my friends in the conduct of government and military affairs.

For the sin I have committed before you by encouraging xenophobia on the part of the American people.

For the sin I have committed before you by attempting to impose my extreme religious and moralistic values on the entire nation, and weakening the separation between church and state.

For the sin I have committed before you by characterizing all who oppose me as evil, and all who agree with me as good.

For the sin I have committed before you by failing to acknowledge my responsibility for all these sins, for attempting to blame others for them, and for all the injury and damage they have caused to individuals, the Nation, and the future.

For these sins, oh forgiving God, forgive me, pardon me, grant me atonement.

If W truly is as devout as he pretends to be, he ought to be scared shitless. 'Cause, in Dante's world, one of those dudes getting munched in one of Satan's three mouths is going to have a replacement when Bush shuffles off this mortal coil. Quickly followed by Cheney.

Good Yom Kippur wishes to all my devout Jewish friends. Hope you ate plenty on Wednesday, and aren't too annoyed by your relatives today.