Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Damn Statistics 

And, speaking of Robert Anton Wilson (a member of the Committee for Surrealist Investigation of Claims of the Normal, an incredible writer, and one of my mentors), thanks to his article about the patapsychology of Timothy F. X. Finnegan, a fascinating yet true statement: "The average American has one testicle."

Now, I imagine American readers, at least those of the male persuasion, quickly reaching for their crotches to count the boys, and then declaiming, "It's not true!" Likewise, I'd imagine the more feministically inclined American readers are grabbing their vaginas and claiming, "Male chauvinist plot."

And yet -- do the math, and you'll see that the statement is true. Along with this one: "The average American has half a vagina."

So, if you're an average American, you have one testicle and half a vagina. Thanks to breast cancer, I haven't calculated the average number of tits. Although, considering the rarity of colostomies, you've probably got 99.95% of an asshole.

And remember, "President Dwight Eisenhower express[ed] astonishment and alarm on discovering that fully half of all Americans have below average intelligence." Yet he seemed to have no problem that fully half of all Americans have above average intelligence.

Ah yes. Lies, damn lies and statistics.

"Balls!" said the King.

"If I had 'em, I'd be King," said the Queen.

Yet the average King and Queen only have one ball. Just like Hitler, apparently. Meaning -- Hitler was more average than you or I?

Oh yeah -- for the dog owners out there -- the average fixed dog has no balls and one vagina. Sucks to be you, dude...


I just realized that you have two different comments systems going here. Far out.

Thanks for bringing up RAW. I used to own The Illuminatus! Trilogy. I read maybe 20 pages into it and didn't read any further. Probably because the book along with a couple other items were stolen from a twisted bitch. That being said, I've gone onto Amazon and ordered a used copy of it. I'm looking forward to reading it in it's entirety.
And you'd better read it. I first read that thing when I was 23 (significant for fans) and it changed my life. I also had the good fortune to attend several RAW seminars when I was in my mid 20s. Dude changed my brain permanently... and you'll do well to let him do the same. Read "Illuminatus!" cover to cover twice, read "The Schroedinger's Cat" trilogy at least half as much, then follow it up with "Prometheus Rising", "The Illuminatus Papers", and everything else...

Short version: RAW is a fucking god. Long version... go back to me at 23, and repeat.

Long version: RAW is a fucking god. Go back to... er... deja vu?
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