Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Whole Lotto Love... 

With all the truly important things going on in the world and the US today, it appalls me that, apparently, one of the most important stories in the known universe, at least as far as local news is concerned, is who won the latest mega-jackpot in whatever big lottery is going on. Needless to say, the $365 million Powerball payout has been a source of chair-wetting interest to the local news vultures ever since someone snagged the prize -- and especially since said winner didn't pop up instantly to claim it.

I could give less than two warm shits who wins a big lottery prize, unless they're related to me or want to give me money -- but in either of those cases, I'll find out without the help of Chatty Chuck and Laughy Cathy on the local news. Hell, I'd even prefer that the news stations didn't announce the winning numbers at all. If I've got access to play a lottery, I've got access to find out which numbers won, and I'd rather check my tickets on my own time, thank you.

If I ever did win a "newsworthy" lottery prize, this is the part I'd dread, because I'd pick the "No PR" option when cashing in the ticket -- and heaven help any reporter who came nosing around thereafter. I think, before collecting on that ticket, I'd go out and buy a black T-Shirt with "FUCK" on it in foot-high letters, then insist on wearing it if the news wanted to interview me -- not that I'd consent to an interview. That, and I'd make sure no more than three words of any sentence would be useable without editing...
REPORTER: How does it feel to win $xxx million dollars?
ME: Oh, it feels fucking great, you fuckin' fuck. How the fuck do you think it fucking feels? It's $xxx fucking million dollars. I'm fuckin' happy.
REPORTER: Um... is it really necessary to use that profanity?
ME: I'm fucking rich, you fuckin' fuckwit. I'll talk how I fucking want to now, you fucking douchebag.
And then I'd give the reporter a cockpunch, live, on the air.

But, seriously -- for anyone to experience such a financial windfall as a lottery prize amounting in the tens of millions of dollars or more (the Powerball jackpot is worth something like $112 million cash value after taxes), the last thing they need is the added annoyance of publicity. Stick their face on the national news, and they'll find themselves hounded by friends and relatives they never knew they had. "Hey, remember me, Tom? We were in the same second grade class for two months, 'til my dad's unit shipped off to Germany, but I saved your life by pushing you out of the way of that flying tetherball. How's about a little gratitude for that?"

No thanks. Short version: lottery winners are not news. Ever. The only people who care are the ones who get the big-ass check. The rest of it is the journalistic equivalent of masturbating outside the strip club door. You didn't get past the velvet ropes, but you want your gratification by proxy.

Memo to local reporters: stick a microphone in my face if I win a mega prize, I'll be buying enough stock in your pissant station to personally get you fired...

Either that or the cockpunch. Come to think of it, the latter option is more satisfying, especially since I'd be able to afford better lawyers than you.

Fuckin' douchebag.

Dude, that was the funniest fuckin' shit you've ever wrote here. Hahahahahahahahaaaaa!
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