Saturday, March 25, 2006

Little Purple Pills 

When I was in high school, I wanted to go to Med School and be a doctor. I even qualified for admission to several pre-med programs. Had I followed that career track, I'm sure that I would have been a successful neurosurgeon by 30, have worked for a few years while stashing cash through my dad's investment advisors, and would have retired to a kick-ass villa before 40 without having to win the lottery (which I still have three years to do to make that bit of life come true.)

Except that... in high school, I volunteered in several hospitals and learned one thing: Doctors Are Arrogant Assholes. And then watched my mother die before I was 25 of a disease I can only call, "Arrogant Doctors Had No Clue, So Blamed the Patient for Their Faults..."

Which is why I think, to this day, that Doctors and Pharmaceuticul Companies are more full of shit than an impacted bowel. I watched for years as (male) doctors sniffed and huffed and discounted my mother's claims that her symptoms got worse whenever she had her period. And told her it was all in her head, even as I wanted to grab the latest issue of the PDR and beat these cocksuckers to death with it while screaming, "Pediod, hormones, body goes nuts, dickwits!"

'Cause even though I never took their blessed classes, by the time I graduated high school, I was very very steeped in the high (low) cult of medicine that our society over-reveres.

And I asked myself this, "Okay. I'm not an asshole. None of my friends who want to do pre-med are assholes. All the doctors and interns we know are assholes. Let's do the math..." Something must go wrong as they train them. But what?

Flashback to when I was 18, taking a physical in order to work at a summer camp. Doc drops my shorts, grabs my nuts, tells me to cough. I say, "Hey, doc, if I did have a hernia, what would happen?"

Captian Alienated doesn't answer my question. Instead, he goes into fear mode, only hears me saying, "Hey, dude, why you grabbing my nuts?" He mutters something like, "Hernia test," to which I say, "Duh," but he misses the point -- and it isn't until nearly a decade later that someone with an MD degree tells me, "Oh. If you had a hernia and followed the instructions while I lifted your nuts, you'd feel excruciating pain..."

Gee, thanks for that, fuckwit pediatrician. Thanks for listening...

And neither doctors nor Big Pharma does that. The former is in thrall to the latter, while the latter is making up illnesses for us to experience.

Latest case in point? Some super laxative -- the symptoms of which I read onscreen and think, "Um, I dunno, maybe... eat some whole bran?"

Wonder how soon the Docs and PhaarmaNazis outlaw that?

But -- doctors and pill pushers, along with Rob Reiner, can just eat my ass.


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