Spin Dry

Truer words were never spoken by a cartoon character. For all their scary aspects -- guns, money, force, fear, whatever -- there's one thing that humans have to remind themselves of constantly. Power, government, control -- these are illusions given power by one simple thing. We accept them. We create them, we empower them, we allow them. Because we are nothing but hairless monkeys with brains, we follow the law of the jungle. Whoever screams loudest and throws the most shit with the most deadly accuracy gets to lead us. We don't ask where they're going or why they've decided that The Tribe with the White Stripe on the Left is Bad. We follow them, even if The Tribe with the White Stripe on the Left might be stronger -- because we don't want to get shit thrown on us by the Alpha Guy in Our Tribe with the Loudest Voice. Even if members of The Tribe with the White Stripe on the Left are otherwise just like us; even if our great-grandparents came from the Land of The Tribe with the White Stripe on the Left, and it's only geography that separates us, and we may not have a complete White Stripe on the Left, but have definitely got this white patch somewhere back on our left shoulder where we can't exactly see it but, hey, it's small, and, anyway -- our Alpha Guy would throw shit on us if we pointed that out.

Or, in other words, all human power structures are pure bullshit. Or, well, pure Monkey Shit. It's playground politics. Why was the school bully considered "The Bully?" Simple. Because no one else would kick the shit out of him when he picked on someone else. Interesting phrasing, isn't it? "Kick the shit out of". Totally apt. Because, without their shit, bullies have nothing.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "How do you know he's the king?" "Because he hasn't got shit all over him."

Remember: the five original members of Monty Python's Flying Circus all held doctoral degrees in various subjects -- Economics, Medicine and Medieval Studies, if I recall correctly. When they wrote that line, it may have seemed a joke -- but, in reality, it's as an astute an observation of human politics as any ever made.

Mammals mark their territory by pissing and shitting on it. If you own a dog, you know this. Take them for a walk, and the first thing they'll do is intently sniff. Then stop and study. Pause, consider. Does this smell like some other dog's piss or shit? Does it? Oh well, then, only one thing to do... piss on it, shit on it, kick the grass hard so those scent pads in the feet leave only one message. This is mine, motherfucker, not yours. Dare you to come back and mark it.

But, hey, humans are so much more civilized than that, aren't we?

Are we?

Well, we don't piss and shit all over the place -- but we still mark our territory. Maps and borders and lines and rules and "Us" and "Them". And, perhaps, it's no surprise that piss and shit are very taboo and "icky" to human culture -- precisely as a way of pretending that we aren't just mammals. Ask yourself this: when are piss and shit acceptable to humans? Well, in two socially acceptable ways: if you're dealing with your own child's (or dog's or cat's) excretions, or your own. And, in both cases, what's really going on? Ownership. Many a human who'd gag at the sight of another adult's shit has faced up to changing their own child's diapers, or picking up their own dog's poo. And everyone wipes their own ass and, honestly, have you ever been disgusted by looking at your own shit in the toilet? Of course not. Why not? 'Cause, well, you made that.

Of course, shit and piss are also acceptable to humans in non-socially acceptable ways -- people who are into what's called scat, or water sports. Yes, there are some people who love other people's poo, or love to get pissed on -- and they're such a minority that even the most sexually outré of folk look down upon them. Why? Because they break just about every taboo of being human.

And what are the "dirty" words we can't say on TV? Other than sexual references, the rest have to do with shit and piss.

Being human: we piss and shit with ink and paper, instead of the real thing. And oh, do we piss and shit -- endless reams of blots and smears on endless reams of paper. And consider this: we wipe our asses with toilet paper; we consider it a bad deal to be reamed up the ass. Who says language is an accident?

Maybe monkeys have it right. We don't like you -- catch a turd, you asshole. (And why is that an insult, exactly?) And he's a king because he isn't covered in shit.

Rewind, back to the top. Up until the American and French Revolutions, life was decided by inbred assholes, who'd declare a war here or there because they were pissed off at one relative or another. You don't think that's the case, just follow the course of British, French and Spanish history from the 15th Century onward. (and Portugese, although how anyone can tell them from the Spanish except by language is a mystery). The royal families were so entangled by the time that Columbus set sail that any first cousin from any line could have inherited any or all of those thrones in a heartbeat. The Germans and Dutch are also included in this math, along with the Russians... hell, all of them. Despite most of them not going into the new world, although we didn't buy Alaska from the Natives. And no one would have ever heard of Nelson Mandela had not a certain batch of lowland people been ambitious. And the Germans wound up with the British throne anyway, and it was a German/British king who lost the colonies, and the largest country in South America who somehow wound up speaking Portugese, and one state in Canada who screams about their "roots" without realizing that nobody cares and...

Humans, flinging shit around, and pretending they aren't.

Rewind, wipe the poo off your fingers and re-read: For all their scary aspects -- guns, money, force, fear, whatever -- there's one thing that humans have to remind themselves of constantly. Power, government, control -- these are illusions given power by one simple thing. We accept them. Note the word illusions.

For all of human history, from the first time some monkey picked up a rock and thought, "Ah, weapon", right down to today -- our leaders have no more nor no less power than we give them. But it's much easier for most mere mortals to just roll over for the royal buttfuck and accept them than it is to question this shit -- and shit is the word.

In the case of America -- the founding words were "We, the People." Not "We, the elect" or "We, the royalty" or "We, who can fling our shit harder and farther than you." Nope. We. The. People. Every last elected official is not your leader. No. They are your employee; they are your slave. Every representative, every judge, every mayor, alderman, council member, governor, senator, cabinet member, president. They work for us. Period. And, where they fail us, they deserve the total approbation of all of us. They deserve to suffer a shitstorm (apt words) of disapproval. They deserve to have their asses kicked into the next city, county, state, country, planet.

And I ask myself this: given the huge numbers of people who turned out to protest in favor of criminals today ("We'll bitch and scream about you not giving illegal aliens their... um... 'rights!'") how can we get those same numbers to turn out to protest the real criminals: the people who say they represent us but, instead, fling their own shit against the wall and the world. I mean, seriously -- who the fuck cares about the "rights" of illegal aliens when the real rights of all Americans have been trampled by a shit-flinging cabal in Washington?

Hey, I'll make a deal with the "Si, se puede" crowd now. And, keep in mind, my great-grandfather was an illegal alien, so I've sort of got a dog in that hunt. But, here's the deal: put all that energy and outrage into protesting the real crime and the real problem in this country. Gather together and fling your shit at the real target. Want amnesty? Fine. Earn it. Join with us who protest the bullshit war started by the usurpers in power. Help us kick those assholes out of power. Kickstart the real revolution.

It's not a fight for one law for 4/100ths of a percent of the population -- who shouldn't really count anyway. Nope. It's a fight for power for all of us who, rightfully, own it. You want to not be shat on anymore? Help the rest of us fling all this shit back at its perpetrators, and fling those idiots to the curb.

Viva la lucha. Somos todos inmigrantes. But let's all work together for the revolution that will really change things. Immigration? Maybe. Impeachment? Now. An end to the illusion that, just because they're sitting in their thrones they own us? Definitely.

Viva la revolucion. Viva le gente. Por hoy, y mañana, y siempre.