Spin Dry

I'm having major flashbacks to college politics this week. You know what I'm talking about. The business majors (largely conservative) would act like drunken asshats and give less than a damn about propriety when they were holding student office -- but as soon as someone from the liberal arts (largely, well, liberal) wound up in power, the least twitch, nose-pick or fart was trumpeted across the front page of the school newspaper as the latest scandal.

And so it is now that the fratboys have been kicked to minority status and OMG - A WOMAN!!! is now speaker of the house for the first time. The shit parade of trumped up, distorted, non-existent charges against the Democrats continue to bubble up from that cesspool of Republican spin.

A brief list, then, of the High Crimes and Misdemeanors, as documented by the shrill bastards of the Rightwing media -- and how they're all lies, damn lies and bullshit.

Claim: "NANCY PELOSI EXEMPTED HER DONORS AT STARKIST TUNA FROM THE MINIMUM WAGE LAWS!!!"

Facts: 1) The tuna canners in question work in American Samoa. 2) Wage rules in American Samoa are determined by a committee of the department of labor, not by congress. 3) The Samoan Representative himself has said that raising the minimum wage there to US standards would be a disaster, seeing as how it would suddenly elevate a large proportion of unskilled workers to levels equivalent with the Samoa upper middle class, and allow Thailand to undercut the industry.

Truth: Nancy Pelosi would have had to specifically instruct Congress to create a special exemption and/or rewrite other major portions of Federal Law for the minimum wage bill to even pertain to American Samoa. Far from pandering to a contributor, she was just passing a law for the benefit of Americans already covered by the minimum wage.

Claim: BARBARA BOXER WAS REALLY MEAN TO CONDI, BECAUSE CONDI HAS NO CHILDREN!!!

Facts: During hearings, Boxerpointed out that neither she nor Condoleeza Rice have relatives involved in fighting in Iraq; Boxer's children are too old and her grandchildren are too young, and Rice has no children. Boxer then asked, how would the prosecution of this war be different if the people in power (Boxer, Rice, et. al.) had close relatives who were put in danger -- would the "surge" (aka escalation) happen?

Truth: If Condoleeza Rice couldn't handle this question, then she has no business being Secretary of State. She was not blind-sided; she was not the recipient of a low-blow. She was confronted with a question based on the facts. She dealt with it. The wingnut pussies, however, had to jump on it like Boxer had farted in Church. And, anyway, it was a hundred times more gentle than any of the questions asked of Bill Clinton after the wingnuts insisted he talk about Monica, live, on camera, on national TV.

Claim: NANCY PELOSI DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TELL TIME! Her "first hundred hours" ran out a long time ago.

Facts: The first hundred hours isn't counted literally on the clock; if it were, it would have been over after four days and four hours. If it pertained to Congressional working days, it would be over in two and a half weeks (Democratic time) or three and an eighth weeks (Republican time).

Truth: The "hundred hours" are based on debate and legislative time spent on the six specific bills the Democrats promised to pass. It doesn't include declarations for "National Elvis Day" or tons of special declarations Congress Critters read into the record for their constituents constantly. It doesn't include time for study, or time spent on matters other than those six bills. And, ultimately, the "first hundred hours" is more a metaphor than a reality -- and, if this is the best the Republicans can do as a complaint, then they are clutching at straws.

Clutching at straws really are the words here. There is not a substantive shred of anything in any of the charges the rightwing echo chamber (aka Fox News) is trying to pump into the zeitgeist as reality right now.

The difference is, this time, the teflon coating is on another party, and short of catching Ted Kennedy on video sodomizing a cub scout in the Senate cloak room, then wiping his dick on the Bible, there's nothing to see here. It seems that the Republicans are as blind to the message of the last election as the Democrats are.

The message was this: we were tired of the party in power, and their lies and bullshit and warmongering. We put another party in power to fix things, to end the war, to cut the balls off of this Administration and reverse the course of the downward spiral this country has been in since March 2003.

No amount of Neocon whining and foot-stomping is going to get through to the majority any more. We're watching your lies and spin, and we're going to spin them right back in your faces and expose them as the horseshit they are.

So -- bring it on. Follow the example of your president and just make shit up to suit your agenda. It just makes it easier for us to pop the bubble of your delusions in public, and shove your sorry asses further to the margins, so that, by the election of 2012, you'll be a footnote, the sane half of your party that splits off will be partly in charge, and Americans will have fled the mainstream for third parties in droves long since.

The more you keep it up, the more likely you're going to have to use the phrases "President Pelosi", "Madame President Clinton" and "President Obama" -- and choke on them as you do.