Friday, May 04, 2007

Fuck Celebrity News 

I'm listening to the local news run down the list of terrible, terrible privations that poor little Paris Hilton could possibly suffer for forty-five days if her expensive lawyers don't manage to get her out of it. Oh my god -- no cell phone! No internet! Shared accommodations! Forced to wear a tacky jumpsuit and use a metal toilet!

So. Fucking. What?

My asshole bleeds exactly not one bit for Paris, or for any of the other celebrities currently parading their sob stories through the news. Hilton's attorneys are bitching and whining that it's soooo unfair she's getting a month and a half in jail for violating probation. A travesty of justice. Etc. Well -- bite me. If Paris had been, instead, little Ms. Laqueesha Nobody, she would have been thrown in jail for six months the first time she stepped out of line. Nobody would give a damn that she had to sit in a small cell and fend off the advances of Big Wanda and go without her weekly pedicure.

Or, to put it bluntly, if Paris weren't white and rich, in that order, not a single reporter on the planet would even deign dirtying their fingers to pick up and read the copy about it. If she weren't white and rich, she wouldn't have a snowball's chance in hell of trying to use the court of public opinion and expensive lawyers to snow the court system and never have to spend a second in lock-up.

Hey, Paris, y'know what? The court of public opinion says, "Go fuck yourself." You were born rich, had every advantage, and all you can manage to do is screw up. Guess what? Nobody likes you. We're all rooting for the court to put you where you belong, in jail; to bar you access to the media and that sweet, sweet PR you so desperately whore for, and to maybe give you the kick in your privileged little ass that you need to finally start being an adult instead of behaving like the spoiled as fuck little trust fund waste of air that you are.

News flash, dear: the family money is only going to be able to keep your face tight and your tits horizontal for so long. And, frankly, you're nowhere near as good looking as you think you are, unless you think looking like a freak Barbie Doll is a good thing. Second news flash: men really do get tired of vacuous chicks no matter what they look like. Give it time. In other words, you may enjoy being a girl, but it's not going to buy you "Get Out of Jail Free" cards forever.

And, in the meantime, you and your fucked-up ilk are consuming far too much important news time, when more important things are going on in the world. Important: Presidential Candidate Debates (which were not shown on broadcast television, please explain that one); W's ever-increasing descent into madness; Tony Blair having his ass handed to him in recent UK elections; E. Howard Hunt spilling the truth about JFK's assassination; at least half the "detainees" in Guantanamo having been cleared of any wrong-doing but not being released because our government has no idea what to do with them -- and is probably afraid that they now will become terrorists, thanks to the way we've treated them...

Not Important: Paris goes to jail, Britney cuts her hair, Alec Baldwin screams at his daughter, Donald hates Rosie, Imus is a racist prick, The Hoff drinks, Phil might have shot someone, Liz does Jamestown, American Idol is still on the air...

Don't get me wrong -- celebrities occasionally do good outside of... doing whatever it is they do for a living. When they work for favorite charities, draw attention to some injustice, or dabble in politics, then they're using their fame for a good cause. But when the news feeds on them like the bottom-dwelling pond-scum that modern American journalism has become, celebrity news is useless.

So poor little skank Paris might go to jail. Let her. And shut up about it. There are plenty of Hollywood gossip tabloid shows to cover that crap. What is supposed to be news should bring us, well, the news.

The news stories that aren't being covered in this country outnumber the fortunes of every celeb mentioned in this post combined. And that we're not hearing about them from our mainstream media is the real crime.

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